It was the 5th deuce in a row. My opponent, Siva, not giving up. Neither was I. It looked as a routine to face his 100-110 mph speedy serve and if that failed, the bouncy top-spinning 80-100 mph second serve. But then, even with more than 3 months of routine practice, I did not win a single set, except for 1 day when he was injured. All this time my scores were as close as 5-3 (40-30) up but 5-7 (lost). Same remained the fate.
As I pondered upon the causes of such consistent losses, I thought that even this is remarkable - consistency in failures, and it always boiled down to the last points, which I always blew without fail. I did not know why.
All my life, I have been struggling to score the last 2 points - in tennis matches, in academics: one A- loss due to 2 more marks in the finals, in the final equations derived in research. And now I am slowly becoming fed up to be better than being occasionally correct. It is "just" not easy.
In this pursuit to achieve some satisfaction, even my hair are growing gray. But none of the last 2 points come in my pocket. Having blessed me with prolonged conviction, this has got me stuck in a vicious loop. The more I strive, the more I desire and the more I forget my own self, what I started with.
Is there an end ? I see the people around me. Some, who were blessed with the X factor and some waiting for it. While it is common for the former changing sides to latter, the inverse is rare and most of us are at that edge of the table trying to get an upper hand.
Picture a dark night. The door creaks and you wake up from bed to see what is lurking in the darkness. As you approach it, heart beats jumps up. You feel fear although you know that you locked the house safely and there is nothing you should be afraid of. But somehow, it is still there. You are afraid of answers. That is what we are born and brought up with. I am still searching for some answers. Some more questions will pop up during this; and when the answers come, I am supposed to be afraid. But this time, I am not. The one thing I have learnt, which no one teaches, about myself is that my hands do not shake. I would lose the 2 points but won't give up aggression. In time, I wish I could hope to be consistently correct. I had done this in the past. But not anymore. Hope is one feeling I have failed to experience. This time, something is certain. It is definitely not the result of the match in future that one day, "I will". But something else, from within. I can feel it. But as I said, "I am still trying".
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Sunday, November 30, 2008
A Watch ....
The city of Mumbai was gripped in terror this week. As it was going on and on for 2 days, I was increasingly getting gripped in a numb feeling. A strange feeling making me stoned. I was no longer able to dance to my favorite music tunes. I assume it was because of over exposure to pain and suffering.
The whole country was discussing how to combat terror and I was looking at everyone through the eyes of media what is going on. Blogs of superstars, politician's statements, information bureau and investigation agency findings made the spice for most people. Its just that, this time the spice is just too chilly. My nights showing me visions of attacks in railway station and I, fighting single handedly killing the anti social elements and dying with them, but never dying before each and every one of them is dead in front of my eyes. My days going in working on my day to day duties with less vigor and grasp.
Being far away from the homeland, I thought I should do something for my country. My people need my help. I scanned for every minute detail I could find on internet for 2 days. Carefully trashing the news that can be misleading and tracking hints from other sources about the hidden crucial points, when such a tragedy occurs. I came up with few ideas on my own.
After all this, I am sure modernization of security forces will take place. What bothers me is the intelligence. We, in India, have one of the best brains of the world yet we are the worst when it comes to intelligence. A fact, I thought, might be going unnoticed was the use of GPS from all the terror attacks in the country these days. This is one thing that the terrorists cannot avoid to have (easily). US provides the service of GPS to everyone in the world. I emailed the US coastal guard to know if the data about the country in which the GPS device is being used, is made available to that country for better security and tracking. It has to be a paid service anyways and I am almost 99% sure, US govt. would be having that data. They are not stupid enough to provide a service without thinking about its after effects. Well, till now I am awaiting their answer, but I am sure this can be a very important tool in tracking people. It is like a mobile phone SIM card. When you lose it, you have to file an FIR because it may be used for bad purposes by some other people.
Another intelligence fact that might be going unnoticed is the role of civilians behind an attack. This is something which is much easier to track than tracking the guys who are in different country planning an attack. India's IT industry is one of the largest in the world and it has the largest pool of software engineers. A lot of potential is there as far softwares to find and track sensitive emails going out of the country or coming into the country's domain. This is something, people often miss and they become busy in catching those civilians. Again this might not be easy to develop but not impossible for a country with super-brains like India.
After intelligence, comes the administration and setup. I always believed and still believe that the setup is nice but the reaction time is slow and the administration is hollow. Failing to get an immediate solution in 2-days time, I thought maybe its best to watch more.
The whole country was discussing how to combat terror and I was looking at everyone through the eyes of media what is going on. Blogs of superstars, politician's statements, information bureau and investigation agency findings made the spice for most people. Its just that, this time the spice is just too chilly. My nights showing me visions of attacks in railway station and I, fighting single handedly killing the anti social elements and dying with them, but never dying before each and every one of them is dead in front of my eyes. My days going in working on my day to day duties with less vigor and grasp.
Being far away from the homeland, I thought I should do something for my country. My people need my help. I scanned for every minute detail I could find on internet for 2 days. Carefully trashing the news that can be misleading and tracking hints from other sources about the hidden crucial points, when such a tragedy occurs. I came up with few ideas on my own.
After all this, I am sure modernization of security forces will take place. What bothers me is the intelligence. We, in India, have one of the best brains of the world yet we are the worst when it comes to intelligence. A fact, I thought, might be going unnoticed was the use of GPS from all the terror attacks in the country these days. This is one thing that the terrorists cannot avoid to have (easily). US provides the service of GPS to everyone in the world. I emailed the US coastal guard to know if the data about the country in which the GPS device is being used, is made available to that country for better security and tracking. It has to be a paid service anyways and I am almost 99% sure, US govt. would be having that data. They are not stupid enough to provide a service without thinking about its after effects. Well, till now I am awaiting their answer, but I am sure this can be a very important tool in tracking people. It is like a mobile phone SIM card. When you lose it, you have to file an FIR because it may be used for bad purposes by some other people.
Another intelligence fact that might be going unnoticed is the role of civilians behind an attack. This is something which is much easier to track than tracking the guys who are in different country planning an attack. India's IT industry is one of the largest in the world and it has the largest pool of software engineers. A lot of potential is there as far softwares to find and track sensitive emails going out of the country or coming into the country's domain. This is something, people often miss and they become busy in catching those civilians. Again this might not be easy to develop but not impossible for a country with super-brains like India.
After intelligence, comes the administration and setup. I always believed and still believe that the setup is nice but the reaction time is slow and the administration is hollow. Failing to get an immediate solution in 2-days time, I thought maybe its best to watch more.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Message from Immortal
There was a wooden house in my village, somewhere in Haryana. People termed it as a school but to me it was much more. The place where I lived a life and I learnt how to live a dream. Now, that I know how to live a dream, there is nobody to tell me what comes next. Today that structure is no more. But, still it reminds me of something as a thought and as an unfinished duty.
It was not a room. It was not a building.
The statue lay there unmoved - it laid untouched.
It had more to say than to hear.
It had more to pay than to say and fear.
They used to play in the gardens of the Mother.
They used to sing and dance with the Mother.
She used to tell - but very slowly.
Get up my boys. Get up my boys
Its time. Don't run but walk steady.
Careful be you....you will hear
Faithful be you...you will not fear.
The song of my deeds lay in your hands.
The song of my silence is louder than the bands.
Once I asked "You gave me so much, you made me so much
I can't pay you back.......but tell me How much."
She answered..." Just remember me when in agony
Go my son !!! make your destiny
The day will come when I shall fall.
The day will come when I will call.
You will not come to me - I know you.
You will still be dear to me- I'll miss you"
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Some astonishing facts
Lets see how really long is 2000 years.
Astronomers from 2,000 years ago recorded that Sirius was a red star; today it is a white dwarf star. Conventional astronomy, which states that 100,000 years are required for a star to "evolve" from a red giant to a white dwarf, must be wrong.
‘Is the Big Bang true biblically?’ Following suggest that it cannot be true: (I took it from an excerpt)
http://www.umich.edu/~newsinfo/Releases/2000/Jan00/r011000b.html
Finally, there are evidences of a young world. The facts that have been told to the world might be misled due to many factors. Check out http://www.christiananswers.net/q-aig/aig-c012.html
for more.
‘Is the Big Bang true biblically?’ Following suggest that it cannot be true: (I took it from an excerpt)
- According to Scripture, the universe is only about six thousand years old; the Big-Bang theory requires it to be billions of years old. (Exodus 20:11 – ‘For the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and everything in them in six days.’) We are not talking about the fossils obtained billions of years old. Scientists from around the world have reconstructed changes in Earth's ancient ocean chemistry during a broad sweep of geological time, from about 2.5 to 0.5 billion years ago. They have discovered that a deficiency of oxygen and the heavy metal molybdenum in the ancient deep ocean may have delayed the evolution of animal life on Earth for nearly 2 billion years- http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/03/080326142229.htm
- Subatomic particles, the elements, and many of the compounds of the universe were created in a single day of Creation Week; the Big-Bang theory has these things developing over billions of years.
- The Big Bang assumes that the matter of the universe is uniformly distributed. That something is wrong with the Big Bang theory is evidenced by the fact that the microwave radiation has actually been found to be too uniform – more uniform than the distribution of matter in the universe.
- The Big-Bang theories include the unboundedness of the universe and its uniform distribution of matter. The universe must have no boundary. Yet Scripture seems to infer that there is a boundary to the universe. On the fourth day of Creation Week, God placed the sun, moon, and stars within the firmament (space, or expanse) of the heavens (Genesis 1:14-18). Two days earlier He had placed this firmament in order to separate ‘the waters above’ from the waters below the expanse (Genesis 1:6-8). There are many different explanations of just what is being referred to by ‘the waters above.’ When the passage is carefully considered, there is a strong suggestion that all the bodies of the universe are bounded above by ‘waters above.’ If so, the universe is bounded, and this basic assumption of the Big Bang is invalid.”
http://www.umich.edu/~newsinfo/Releases/2000/Jan00/r011000b.html
Finally, there are evidences of a young world. The facts that have been told to the world might be misled due to many factors. Check out http://www.christiananswers.net/q-aig/aig-c012.html
for more.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Food for thought...
It was a dark night as always. I had come from the supermarket and was in the process of relaxation when I switched on the television. A Chinese or Japanese (whatever) movie with all kinds of unrealistic actions was being displayed as a 2-dimensional image in the big black gadget. And I thought...
Its the first time, I thought that whatever is being shown - does it even make sense ? The literally flying people fighting in air with more than 2000 soldiers and crushing them like wheat.
Why in last 22 years, this did not occur to me that I have been brainwashed all my life ? The way we are brought up, is that the right way to grow ? I look at what We have achieved. All our discoveries are guided by nature. There is not a single invention/discovery Mankind has been able to do which is not influenced by Nature at some level.
Maybe its time to question ourselves and ask if the way we grow is the right way to grow so as to continue the process of evolution started by Mother Nature billions of years back. Man, being the most complex organism on this planet, has the ability to think and change something vital to adapt to surroundings. Lets take for example tigers. Himalayan tiger is suited to the cold temperature whereas, African tigers are comfortable with high temperatures and different flora/fauna. Why is that Man is same everywhere ? Don't you think we have changed something vital in the natural process ? Instead of changing ourselves to the surroundings, we create conditions which suit us.
I believe that we are changing the evolution process. The fact is not only about the living conditions. All organisms lower in the food chain, do not have much of the abilities which Man possesses. Even mental evolution or evolutions at many levels which (maybe) more complex organisms than Man are capable of, might be possible which are being postponed.
Every time something vital changes in Nature, it is corrected. Take for example, the asteroid which wiped out the Dinosaurs. With the loss of resources on Earth and complete change in the biological components of atmosphere, the day of reckoning awaits us.
Its the first time, I thought that whatever is being shown - does it even make sense ? The literally flying people fighting in air with more than 2000 soldiers and crushing them like wheat.
Why in last 22 years, this did not occur to me that I have been brainwashed all my life ? The way we are brought up, is that the right way to grow ? I look at what We have achieved. All our discoveries are guided by nature. There is not a single invention/discovery Mankind has been able to do which is not influenced by Nature at some level.
Maybe its time to question ourselves and ask if the way we grow is the right way to grow so as to continue the process of evolution started by Mother Nature billions of years back. Man, being the most complex organism on this planet, has the ability to think and change something vital to adapt to surroundings. Lets take for example tigers. Himalayan tiger is suited to the cold temperature whereas, African tigers are comfortable with high temperatures and different flora/fauna. Why is that Man is same everywhere ? Don't you think we have changed something vital in the natural process ? Instead of changing ourselves to the surroundings, we create conditions which suit us.
I believe that we are changing the evolution process. The fact is not only about the living conditions. All organisms lower in the food chain, do not have much of the abilities which Man possesses. Even mental evolution or evolutions at many levels which (maybe) more complex organisms than Man are capable of, might be possible which are being postponed.
Every time something vital changes in Nature, it is corrected. Take for example, the asteroid which wiped out the Dinosaurs. With the loss of resources on Earth and complete change in the biological components of atmosphere, the day of reckoning awaits us.
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