Game, set, and match

It was the 5th deuce in a row. My opponent, Siva, not giving up. Neither was I. It looked as a routine to face his 100-110 mph speedy serve and if that failed, the bouncy top-spinning 80-100 mph second serve. But then, even with more than 3 months of routine practice, I did not win a single set, except for 1 day when he was injured. All this time my scores were as close as 5-3 (40-30) up but 5-7 (lost). Same remained the fate.

As I pondered upon the causes of such consistent losses, I thought that even this is remarkable - consistency in failures, and it always boiled down to the last points, which I always blew without fail. I did not know why.

All my life, I have been struggling to score the last 2 points - in tennis matches, in academics: one A- loss due to 2 more marks in the finals, in the final equations derived in research. And now I am slowly becoming fed up to be better than being occasionally correct. It is "just" not easy.

In this pursuit to achieve some satisfaction, even my hair are growing gray. But none of the last 2 points come in my pocket. Having blessed me with prolonged conviction, this has got me stuck in a vicious loop. The more I strive, the more I desire and the more I forget my own self, what I started with.

Is there an end ? I see the people around me. Some, who were blessed with the X factor and some waiting for it. While it is common for the former changing sides to latter, the inverse is rare and most of us are at that edge of the table trying to get an upper hand.

Picture a dark night. The door creaks and you wake up from bed to see what is lurking in the darkness. As you approach it, heart beats jumps up. You feel fear although you know that you locked the house safely and there is nothing you should be afraid of. But somehow, it is still there. You are afraid of answers. That is what we are born and brought up with. I am still searching for some answers. Some more questions will pop up during this; and when the answers come, I am supposed to be afraid. But this time, I am not. The one thing I have learnt, which no one teaches, about myself is that my hands do not shake. I would lose the 2 points but won't give up aggression. In time, I wish I could hope to be consistently correct. I had done this in the past. But not anymore. Hope is one feeling I have failed to experience. This time, something is certain. It is definitely not the result of the match in future that one day, "I will". But something else, from within. I can feel it. But as I said, "I am still trying".